Telephone
by 42Lia
Summary: Drrrriiinnng Drrriiiinnng Drrriiiinnng ... "Allo? Th'is Bunny Arty's house! Who tha fuck are ye?" England x World! Just a quick one-shot for a good laugh!


**England x world**

**Telephone**

**AN: Found **_**this**_** in a lonely file on my computer! I had completely forgotten about this! I wrote it ages ago while practicing a bit. It isn't any good but … what the hell! I'll just post it anyway, along with a few other lonely forgotten stories! If anyone is interested in those crappy drafts of mine then there's also an England x Germany fic, not one but TWO England x Spain fics (my favourite pairing!) and … uh … lots of unfinished fics I might post later on if I ever bother finishing them! Cheerio!**

**Remember, I was probably mental the day I wrote that fic. I wrote for a laugh and it **_**did**_** make me laugh so I hope it will for you too! It's weird and completely nonsense but I. Don't. Care! ^_^**

"Allo, this is th'bloody Kirklands. Leave yer fucking message but it's not like anybody checks the fucking machine anyway! Cheers!"

Gilbert, Francis and Antonio eyed the mobile phone in the Prussian's hands. Who the hell was that?

There was a beeping noise on the other side of the phone telling them that the message had started but Gilbert just hung up immediately.

"Damn! Who was that? We just wanted to play a joke on little Arthur but who the hell was that? Francis you said this was his home number!" The albino grunted.

"It is! I checked the school's records! And be thankful I wasn't caught! I could have lost my job of vice president of the committee and your brother Ludwig would have killed us!"

"Damn! Why is my unawesome brother always getting in our way? Why is he the damn president? Who wants to be president anyway?"

"It said it was the 'Kirklands' so it is Arthur's house." Antonio pointed out.

The three eyed the phone, wondering whose voice was on the machine.

"Maybe his father?" Antonio suggested.

"Yeah, right! Like his father would talk like that! Besides, I heard he didn't have parents." Francis explained.

"Well who else lives in his goddamn house!" Gilbert yelled. He was getting really annoyed.

The three university students kept wondering until Francis spoke their unspoken thoughts.

"You think he might live with his boyfriend or something?"

Both Gilbert and Antonio shot him deadly glares. All three had known Arthur when he joined the university in his first year the year before. The trio are only one year ahead of him. They met him in a pub where students had been invited for a freshers' welcoming party. All three had, at first, found the blond boy amusing and had made it their duty to tease him around like they always did with freshmen. But Arthur barely seemed impressed by their attempts and ignored them. Needless to say, it got on their nerves and they continued to pest him all day every day. Not until the summer holidays did they realise that they all had grown feelings for the moody boy. But none had revealed their feelings to the other two yet and even less to Arthur.

"What? I'm just suggesting a possibility!"

"Don't! I don't want to hear that this guy has a boyfriend! We're the hottest guys in the entire university! And he gets a lover before the awesome me?"

"Well, it's not like you're trying to maintain a decent relationship, Gilbert."

"Shut it Francis! Antonio what are you doing with that phone?"

"Phoning Arthur back. I want to know who that was."

Drrring Drrring …

"Allo? Who's there?"

Again the strange voice. Antonio spoke back:

"Is this Arthur's house?"

"Aye, it is. Who're ye?"

"I … I'm a friend of his …"

"Yer not tha American bastard, right? Ye didnea sound like him."

"I'm not. My name is Antonio."

"OI! Arty! Yer friend's on tha phone!"

"Do you have to shout like that all the time, Scott? Hello? Who is this?"

"Arthur …?"

"…? Antonio? What the hell? Are you three going to pester me at my house too? Get lost!"

Arthur hung up in a snap.

"Well that worked well, genius!" Gilbert sneered.

"At least I tried!"

"But we still don't know who that guy was. I think Arthur called him Scott." Francis said.

All three went silent with dark expressions as they all remembered how Scott had called their secret love 'Arty'.

Elsewhere …

"Alfred! What's wrong with you?"

"Mattie! That guy's horrible! I can't leave Arthur there on his own!"

"What guy? And put down that gun! It's dad's antique, not a toy! You're going to hurt yourself or worse, someone!"

"But Arthur lives with that scary guy on the phone!"

"What guy?"

"I don't know! I was trying to phone Arthur at his home number just to try cause he told me never to but it was that scary guy who answered and when I told him who I was and we started talking, he got pissed and yelled at me and he told me never to get near Arthur or he'll "beat tha fucking shite outa ya sorry arse, yer fucking American bastard"! He's crazy, I tell ya! I have to save Arthur!"

"Hold on and put the goddamn gun down! No one is going to save anybody! You don't know this person or his relationship with Arthur! Don't go barging in and cause a mess at Arthur's house! He might be a close friend of Arthur's or …"

"But I'm Arthur's friend!"

"Or I don't know! Maybe his lover or something!"

Alfred dropped the gun in shock. His mind was having trouble registering the information. Arthur's lover? No way! Uh uh! He was going to be that! Nobody else! Double reason to shoot the bastard!

"Alfred? What's with that dark look on your face? Hey, I told you to leave the gun! Wait! It's not charged, is it? Alfred! Don't you dare do that! Hey, come back! Where are you going? It's like 11pm! Come back to the house! Alfred! At least leave the damn gun! You're going to cause trouble again! ALFRED!"

Matthew ran after his brother in a panic attempt to stop him. Alfred was walking over to his friend's house with a sadistic look on his face.

Elsewhere …

"Hello …?"

Lovino held the phone to his ear, unable to answer. Who the hell was that? He thought this was Arthur's number! He had managed to steal it from Francis. So who the hell was that? His brother was listening in next to him. Both wanted to ask Arthur over for lunch. It has nothing to do with the fact that Arthur was really hot and really kind and really sexy! Nothing at all! They just wanted to thank him for helping them out with tutoring them for their classes. Feliciano seemed to have taken a liking to the blond and little did Lovino know that he was planning on seducing Arthur during the dinner. Strangely enough, Lovino had the same idea in mind.

"Who's this?" The voice asked, seemingly bored.

"Um …"

Feliciano grabbed the phone from his brother's hands.

"HI! This is Feliciano Vargas! Is Arthur here?"

"Oh … you're friends?"

"Yes!"

"A'right. Oi! Arty! Some loud friend of yours is on the phone!"

"It better not be tha bloody American! I just told him off an hour ago! Tell him I'll skin him alive if he dares to get anywhere near me wee Arty!"

"Scott, shut up! Thanks Conan."

"What's that about an American bastard?" The said Conan asked.

"Nothing. Ignore Scott and give me the phone!"

"You're … not in trouble, are you, bunny?"

"Stop calling me that! No, I'm not in trouble! Now give me the bloody phone! Hello, this Arthur speaking. Who's on the phone?"

"Hi, Arthur! It's Feliciano! My brother and I wanted to invite you for lunch tomorrow! Can you come? Please? It's a thanks for all your tutoring with us!"

"Oh, Feliciano! Tomorrow? Um … hold on for a minute. Scott! I'll be out tomorrow for lunch! Can you deal without me at the pub?"  
"Aye! Whatever! As long as ye didnea get close to tha American!"  
"My friends are none of your bloody business! Sorry about that, Feliciano. Yes, tomorrow's fine! What time?"

"Um … around 1 o'clock? At our house?"

"Sure, I'll be there! See you tomorrow and thank you very much."

"Bye, Arthur!"

The Italian hung up with a pensive look. Who were those other men? Scott and Conan, right? Who …

"Dammit! Who the hell were those guys with Arthur?" Lovino grunted. He didn't like the familiarity between them. Feliciano didn't like it either.

"You don't think that that Conan is Arthur's … boyfriend? He called him '_bunny'_."

"No way! And that Scott guy seemed like a bastard! They're both bastards! No way is any of them Arthur's boyfriend!" Lovino barked back a bit more aggressively than he had wanted. He was mostly trying to convince himself rather than his brother.

"I hope not …" Feliciano mumbled inaudibly. He rarely felt hatred or anger but right now, the sweet little Italian was fuelled with deep rage and hatred towards the strangers at Arthur's house.

Elsewhere …

Ludwig was deeply annoyed by his discovery. His pain of a brother and the two other idiots had managed to steal one of the student profiles filed in the students' committee president's office, aka his office! That blasted Francis! Ludwig searched which file went missing.

"Arthur Kirkland."

His heart stopped. Ludwig couldn't begin to imagine what those three were going to do with Arthur's files. He was in the same year as Arthur himself and had met him when Arthur offered to help him with administrative work (when Francis was meant to help). They had then met a few times in pubs and Ludwig had grown interested in the smaller boy. But what really marked him was when the pub they were chatting in suddenly became wrecked by four drunks. Ludwig had panicked and tried to stop them. He had managed to contain one of them but three others were still roaming wild in the bar. Arthur, on the other hand, hadn't budged one bit and was enjoying the show while sipping his beer calmly. How could he stay clam like that? When Ludwig had called him to help, Arthur had seemed surprised but obliged with a shrug. Then was the interesting part! Arthur swiftly knocked out the three drunks unconscious with ease almost out of habit. He then helped Ludwig with the one he was holding and knocked him out flat like the others. He seemed bored and disappointed. It was almost like he had wanted to see the four drunks make a mess. Ludwig then realised that other drinkers in the pub hadn't even bothered lifting their heads up. It seemed like in Britain, having drunk people wrecking pubs and pub fights were very common and nothing alarming in the least. Ludwig had then been more and more fascinated by the blond Englishman and unwillingly started feeling self – conscious around him and his heart beat accelerate.

Ludwig dialled Arthur's home number to warn him of what the three tricksters had done (again).

"H'llo? Pat listening. Who's there?"

'Pat'? Who the hell is 'Pat'? Ludwig's mind was racing while trying to figure out _who_ that Pat was. He thought he was phoning Arthur. Wait! Was Arthur living with someone else? What was his relationship with this Pat? Ludwig felt an unusual rage grow in him and he held back the urge to yell at this stranger for being in HIS Arthur's house. He still had manners.

"My name is Ludwig Weilschmidt. I'm the president of the student committee."

"Oh shite! What has Bunny Arty dun now?"

'_Bunny Arty'_? Now Ludwig felt a wild animal in him growling to kill that man on the other line.

"Nothing. It was just to inform Arthur of something. May I speak with him?"

"Aye, yar can. Oi! Artyyyyyy! Yar student c'mmittee prez wants ta talk ta yar!"

"Thanks Pat. Hello, Ludwig? What is it?"

"Arthur. I just discovered that my brother Gilbert and his two idiotic friends have stolen your profile files from the office."  
"AH! So that's how they got my phone number!"

"What?"  
"Well, earlier on, Antonio phoned my house to bug me again."

Ludwig cursed inwardly.

"I apologise! I'm so very sorry about this! I should have been more careful!"

"No worries. I just hung up on him and he still hasn't phoned back. Don't worry too much about him. Especially since you'll get into trouble because of me, well, because of my file."

"I'll be fine, thank you for your consideration. Um …"

"Hm? Anything else?"

"No! No! Nothing! I just wanted to warn you but I'm already too late."

Ludwig heard Arthur chuckle. He really liked his laugh.

"No problem, don't worry … hold on! Pat! Quit playing with that cricket bat in the living room! You're going to break something again!"

"Aye! I'll be careful, luv!"

Shivers ran down Ludwig's spine. _'Luv'_? What love? Whose love?

"God! That idiot never listens! Hello? Ludwig? Sorry but I have to hang up. Pat is really going to break something. Again, thanks for your considerate call and don't worry about the file! Pat! Give me that bat before you break … Fuck! What did I tell you?!"

Arthur hung up on a very irritated German. For some reason, Ludwig felt he wanted to go to Arthur's house and kill that bastard Pat.

Elsewhere …

"Shut up, aru! I told you it wasn't Arthur!"

"It has to be Yao! It was his number that Feliciano gave me! And stop crying like a girl!"

"Well you're losing your composure too Kiku! Why are _you_ shouting?"

"I'm not! It just can't be his _lover_!"

"But he called him 'luv'! That Scott guy called him 'luv' and 'Bunny'!"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear this!"

Kiku was in the same university course as Arthur (journalism) and Yao had met Arthur through his cousin Kiku who lives with him. They both fell in love with the blond man but neither would admit it to anybody. Kiku and Yao wanted to invite Arthur over since they often did. Arthur was good with kids and would often babysit Khou (Yao's little brother who grew fond of Arthur) while both Kiku and Yao were out working on their part – time jobs. Arthur would often stay and have dinner with them when that happened. Up until now they had stayed in contact through Facebook or emails but had never phoned. Arthur often advised them not to but they never knew why. Apparently Scott seemed to have answered and caused a wild confusion with the two Asian boys before Arthur got hold of the phone. Arthur had agreed to come with them to the park with Khou too. Both Yao and Kiku had secretly wanted to spend more quality time with Arthur. Now they were screaming at each other since neither wanted to admit that they were both worried about Scott being Arthur's boyfriend. Khou was watching them with his usual poker face. He didn't understand everything that was going on or the commotion in the living room but he knew _who_ Scott was since Arthur had told him when he was babysitting him. Not that Khou was going to reveal this to anyone. He hardly talked anyway.

Outside, Ivan (a creepy friend of Yao and who likes to stalk others) had followed the discussion. An even creepier look had appeared on his face. Arthur was his toy and he didn't like the sound of _his_ toy having a lover. With his faucet pipe in his hand he laughed nervously, thinking of the best way to torture and then kill this Scott person. He had met Arthur at a pub and strangely enough the blond hadn't been impressed or scared by Ivan. This was new. People were always scared of the Russian just from his creepy expression but Arthur had talked with him, not much but enough, and hadn't shown the slightest anxiety. After that, Ivan has kept stalking Arthur almost everywhere.

Kirkland's residence …

"So, Arty, what were all tha phone calls for, today?"

"Nothing really. Feliciano and Lovino invited me for lunch and Yao and Kiku invited me to take Khou to the park with them."

"Feliciano an' Lovino? Ain't tha th'Italian kids yar tutorin'?"

"Yes."

"Aye and tha wee Khou is tha Chinese kid ye babysit, right?"  
"Yes."

Scott and Patrick were now interested in why Bunny Arthur was suddenly receiving so many calls. (They called him Bunny as a teasing but affectionate nickname from their childhood and when Arthur used to have an actual rabbit as a pet. He was really close to the animal and his brother liked to tease him about it. Now, it became an affectionate name and it was fun to piss him off with it!) Honestly, Arthur didn't know why he got so many calls. He had made sure not to reveal his home number to _anyone_ but it seemed the information from his stolen file had leaked out pretty fast. He just was afraid his three older brothers might intimidate his friends if they phoned, like when Alfred got threatened by Scott just two hours ago. Conan was just listening to the conversation with his usual passiveness, sneaking in comments here and there while Scott and Patrick were now in a heated debate on how to investigate on all of Arthur's friends and scare them to death for a good laugh. Arthur rolled his eyes in exasperation before he went to bed. God, his brothers were tiring!

Time skip …

Kirkland's residence …

Fiona answered the door and fell on … what? A massive group of arguing male students? Who the hell were these people? And why on fucking earth were they all holding flowers or presents? All the boys turned to look at her in surprise. She yawned loudly. It was Saturday for fuck's sake! Why couldn't she have a peaceful Saturday morning? Especially with her A levels coming up in a few months, she can use the extra rest!

"What?" She barked.

She was still in her black night dress with a sleeping snoopy on it and reaching down to her knees. It was 10 am in the morning and only Arthur was up. Her other three brothers were snoring upstairs.

Alfred had been arguing with Ivan while Matthew was trying to calm them down. Gilbert, Antonio and Francis (who hadn't expected to see each other there) were yelling insults at one another. Ludwig was arguing with them too as well as the Italian twins. Yao and Kiku were arguing with each other and overall everyone was screaming and insulting everyone until a ginger haired girl in a grouchy mood answered the door. The same thought passed their mind: Arthur's girlfriend? Eventually Matthew talked to her.

"Um … My name is Matthew and I … We are all friends of Arthur and wondered if we could see him, please?"

Fiona frowned but moved aside to let the troupe in. Arthur had always taught her manners. She then went to the living room were Arthur who was also still in his pyjamas, was holding a warm mug of tea while watching a recorded episode of Doctor Who, sunk in the settee. He was only wearing the lower part of his jammies and was topless. He looked up at his sister who nuzzled next to him and whispered in his ear. Arthur looked in direction of the group. Many familiar faces were eyeing the siblings with unusual deadly glares directed at Fiona. Arthur got up and Fiona happily stole his spot on the settee. The blond man walked over to the hallway where his many guests were waiting impatiently and worriedly. Before he could speak, Alfred asked what they were all pondering on.

"Arthur! Who the hell is that?"

Arthur looked at him in surprise then glanced at his sister.

"My little sister, why?"

They all sighed in relief and Arthur was getting really confused.

"What about that Scott guy? He's not your boyfriend, is he?" Yao asked worried.

"And that Pat guy?" Ludwig asked.

"And Conan?" Feliciano groaned with an unusual determined look.

Arthur was speechless. Yes, he had been worried of the impression his brothers might have on his friends (well, apart from Ivan, Gilbert, Antonio and Francis who were more like stalkers and pains in the arse) but he never expected _that_! He thought they'd get scared! Boyfriend? Where the hell did they get such an idea?! And how could he have three boyfriends at once, _honestly_?

"What?" was the only thing he could pronounce.

"It can't be your boyfriend, right? I'm the one you love, right? Alfred claimed.

"You? Stop dreaming Hamburger head! Arthur's going to go out with me!" Francis said.

"Francis … I didn't know you fancied him too but I am not letting you have him. If it has to break our friendship then so be it." Antonio threatened dangerously.

"Look, tomato bastard! I was already shocked that Feli wanted to ask Arthur out too but make this clear in that empty head of yours: he's mine! Got it?" Lovino barked to the Spaniard. His brother sent him a deadly glare as he spoke up.

"I'm going to win Arthur and all of you are really starting to get in my way!"

"Look, Feli! I know we're friends but I love him and I'm not letting you have Arthur" Ludwig shouted.

"You're all no match to the awesome me and Arthur will definitely chose me and my awesomeness!" Gilbert shouted for everybody to hear.

"Kol kol kol … Arthur is my toy and nobody messes with my toy!" Ivan stated, a dark aura surrounding him.

"I don't care about you all or you Kiku but I loved Arthur ever since I first met him and I not giving him up to anyone, aru!" Yao said proudly, defying everybody. Kiku glared at him and his usual calm tone was cold and threatening.

"Yao … the fact that we're family is not enough for me to forgive you if you dare steal Arthur from me. He's mine only."

Mathew was trying to calm them all down but everyone ignored him.

About now, they all started arguing in front of an even more speechless Arthur. Fiona had heard the ruckus and followed the heated dispute with a grin on her face. Eventually, a voice came from up the stairs.

"Artyyyyy! Shut tha fuck up down there! I'm tryin' to sleep!"

"Aye! What's with th'ruckus? Fiona, what're yar an' Arty doin'?"

Conan's head popped from behind the wall and analysed the scene and his shocked brother.

"Arty? Bunny, you okay?"

Arthur didn't reply. His face was red crimson from all those confessions and he still was trying to register what was going on. Conan called the other two over as the troupe of Don Juans was calming down.

"Oi! Arty's not looking well and there's random people in the hall."

"What? Arty? You okay? What's up?" Scott shouted as he too eyed the scene downstairs. He noticed Alfred and his eyes narrowed.

"Oi! What's tha American bastard doin' here? And who're all tha others?"

"What's with th'shoutin'? Arty? Why're yar red like tha? An' who tha fuckin' hell're them?" Patrick asked as he too looked down.

Now all three brothers were eyeing the group suspiciously. And the group was eyeing them suspiciously back. Fiona smirked before calling her brother.

"Arty? Maybe you should put something on. Considering what they all said, I'm worried you might get assaulted like that!" she giggled.

Everybody's gaze switched back to Arthur who blushed even more and felt slightly threatened by the hungry, lustful looks he could see in his guests eyes as they stared at his bare chest.

"Oi! Fiona! Whaddya mean?" Scott called but Fiona ignored him.

She looked at her brother's Casanovas and told them:

"So, why are you all here at the same time, all dressed up and with flowers and presents?"

They fidgeted nervously none of them daring to talk. A thought suddenly occurred to the girl who rushed to the calendar in the kitchen and a loud laugh escaped her lips. Arthur looked at her questioningly, his face back to normal.

"The 14th of February! I didn't realise it was today! Awww! Arty you get to choose your valentine! Nice choices too!"

All the boys blushed as Arthur, on the other hand, paled. He looked back at them and face palmed his forehead. What was he going to do? When he opened his eyes again, everybody was watching him. And Arthur did not like the devouring, expecting look they were sending him. They were all literally looking him up and down and the glint of lust in their eyes scared Arthur. He really wanted to go back to his room upstairs and cover himself but his '_guests'_ were blocking the way and his brothers seemed too shocked to react.

"Fiona, go back to the living and stop making suppositions." he finally said.

"Oki doki! By the way, tell me which one you chose, okay!"

"Leave, _now_!"  
She left in a giggle. Arthur turned a serious look to his audience.

"Now, first of all, Scott, Conan and Patrick are my older brothers and none of them is my boyfriend!"

There was a loud, shocked yelp from Conan and Scott fell on the stairs while Patrick had chocked himself and was coughing. Arthur ignored them.

"I do not have a lover at the moment. I'm very … flattered that you all seem to like me but it might actually help if you didn't all barge at my house at once on a Saturday morning! Valentine's day or not! I didn't even get proper confessions but just some childish dispute of who was going to claim me! Don't I get a say in the matter? Now, I want you all to leave and let me get dressed … and stop staring at me like that! I'm not some fucking cake! Unless any of you have anything to say to me _right now_, you can all go and argue to your heart's content _outside_!"

And with that, Arthur rushed through them and passed his still stunned brothers on the stairs and into his room to cover his chest. He came back down with his pyjama top on to find Fiona caring for her three dumbfounded brothers and a very noisy commotion just outside his house. God! What was he going to do? He sunk in the settee next to Fiona and ignored her grin.

The doorbell rang and Arthur grumbled while getting back up to get it. The moment he opened the door was the moment he heard the loudest confession one could ever have. All of his thrown out guests shouted to him at the same time.

"I love you, Arthur!"

After that day, Arthur would constantly receive phone calls and wished his brothers really had scared them off the first time.


End file.
